


should've been different, could've been easy

by SharkbaitHaHa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Coda, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Phone Calls & Telephones, Post-Episode: s12e03 The Foundry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:02:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27690038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharkbaitHaHa/pseuds/SharkbaitHaHa
Summary: Mary's gone. Sam passed out some time ago. Dean just wants someone to tell him it'll be okay. He calls the only person he knows of who can.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 31





	should've been different, could've been easy

Dean drinks like the world is ending that night. Sam doesn’t stop him, mostly because he passed out from too much himself about an hour ago.

It’s not fair, he thinks. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. He’s busted his ass his entire  _ life _ . He’s played obedient soldier, he’s played responsible guardian.

He’s never been someone’s son.

And when he finally,  _ finally _ , thought he would be, he wasn’t. Instead, he was slapped in the face and told he never could be a son because that son died with her in a fire 33 years ago.

This was no longer a blessing. It was a goddamn curse in disguise.

He wished he had known what Amara had meant when she wanted to give him a gift. He would’ve told her that wasn’t what he wanted at all.

He would’ve told her what he had wanted instead.

The phone is in his hands but he doesn’t remember going to get it from his bedroom. He doesn’t remember going into his contacts or hitting the dial.

But he must’ve, because he lets out a distressed sob when someone picks up. 

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean doesn’t say anything, he can’t, because the weight of his pain is stronger than his ability to speak. Instead, he sits there and cries.

Castiel doesn’t say anything for a few beats, most likely trying to determine just what it was he was hearing on the other end of the line. Then, “Is everything okay?”

“She left,” Dean whispers brokenly. “She said she can’t stand us and  _ left _ .”

There’s a sharp intake of breath. “She didn’t.”

“What the fuck was I thinking, Cas? Why the hell did I think she was going to…” He stops and takes a shuddering breath.

“Going to what?”

Dean holds it in, tries to shove it back into the recesses where he’s kept it hidden for so long. “Love me.”

“Oh,  _ Dean _ .” Dean doesn’t know who sounds more tired, he or Cas. “Don’t you dare believe you are not capable of being loved.”

“Tell that to my mother, who just walked out the door saying she didn’t.”

“Your mother is confused and angry. She was involuntarily yanked from Heaven, after all, with full recollection of her time there. It is not an easy adjustment.”

“Please don’t take her side in this,” Dean begs quietly. “Not now.”

“I’m not. I’m just trying to point out where she may be coming from,” Cas says. “I don’t agree with her decision, and I believe she is wrong and that it was wrong of her to do this to you, but this is probably why she did it.”

“She did it because she isn’t enough of a coward to commit suicide but her living here seeing my face every day makes her want to so this was the next best thing,” Dean snarls. “Let’s face it, Cas. Mom was happy loving her Memory Me and now that she’s here she can’t bring herself to accept the fact that I’m not the same thing.”

“Stop it, Dean.”

In a small voice, Dean asks, “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, Dean,” Cas says firmly. “You did nothing at all. Are you listening to me? Your mother’s capacity to love you does  _ not _ define your capacity to be loved. Do you understand me? Just because she can’t bring herself to admit that you were able to raise yourself to not only be a hero and a great man, but the  _ Righteous Man _ , does not mean that you are not that. Does not mean that you do not deserve to be loved for that.”

“Name me one person who doesn’t think what Mom thinks,” Dean replies bitterly. “Sam doesn’t count. He’s been around too long to have the ability to think otherwise.”

There’s a forever long silence, and Dean is thoroughly convinced it’s because Cas is reluctant to tell him the truth. He’s right, but for the wrong reasons.

“I don’t think what your mother thinks.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I love you, Dean,” Cas admits quietly. “I could never bring myself to think what your mother thinks, even if it were true.”

Dean doesn’t reply at first. He brings a closed fist to his mouth, closes his eyes tight, and feels fire hot tears fall down his face once more. He sits that way for a few moments, trying to regain any semblance of control.

He sounds wrecked when he finally forces himself to speak. “Please come home, Castiel. Please.”

“I wish I could.”

“You still can.”

“You know I can’t. Not until this is done.”

“Let him go.”

“And risk the world ending again? I’m tired with being irresponsible.”

“And I’m tired of the three of us having to fix everything!” Dean snaps. His sadness has turned into anger, an emotion he is much better at. “Why can’t you just say ‘Fuck this, it’s someone else’s problem’ and come home already, dammit?”

“Because it’s not someone else’s problem, Dean, it’s mine!” Cas yells back. Then there is a pause. A deep breath as he collects himself. “I wish I could be with you. I wish I could be there to hold you, to chase away this pain you carry. I wish I could do all for you that you can’t do for yourself. I wish I could hold you when you sleep at night and be there to support you during the challenges of day. I wish I could heal your pain like I can your wounds. I wish, I wish, I wish…but until I know that there won’t be a threat around to take that away from us I can’t. Not yet.”

“But you will, right? Come home?” Dean is scared of the answer, but has nothing else to lose. Might as well ask anyway.

“I will. And then I will never leave again,” Cas promises. 

In a voice barely above a hoarse whisper Dean says, “I love you, you know.”

“I love you too,” Cas replies, and Dean can’t bring himself to be able to believe it yet. “I will be home soon. Get some rest. Lean on your brother in the meanwhile. He needs you as much as you need him right now. He is probably thinking similar things.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it, Dean.”

“I know.”

“I mean, I meant what I said when I said I love you.”

Dean lets out a deep breath. “Stay safe, Castiel.”

Cas returns the tired sigh. “I will. Good night, Dean.”

“Good night.”

Dean stares at his phone for a long time after that, his emotions a confused churning in his stomach. He falls asleep sitting on the kitchen floor, his head leaning against the cabinets at an angle that leaves him sore in the morning.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Canon sucks. So I'm just going to keep posting the old fic I keep finding where I made it better lol. Title stolen from "Wildfires" by Mandolin Orange. Great song, has nothing to do with the theme of this coda. Give it a listen.


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